Sunday, August 29, 2010

Decisions, Decisions!

Options are such a wonderful thing to have in most situations in life; lots of shoes in your closet, hundreds of movie titles on netflix, new places to eat in your town. Options always seemed great until the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer. All of a sudden options became a very stressful thing. For me the more informed I am about my decision the better I feel about it. There is a proverb that I love about being informed and having wisdom. Proverbs 8:11 "For wisdom is more precious than rubies, and nothing you desire can compare with her." I think that for a long time I felt that wisdom was gained through research and experience. That thought has definitely been altered over the past month or so.

I longed so much for a sign that my decisions for surgery and treatment were the right ones. I read every brochure, book, and website there was about the pros and cons of each and I was at one of the best cancer centers in the world but I still longed for that sign. A halo crowned angel with a brass trumpet sounding would have been perfect but as I am sure you can imagine that didn't happen. LOL:) I knew that no matter what I chose I had to feel that affirmation deep down to know that it was with no doubt the right decision.

When it came to surgery all I could think at first was I am 28 years old I do not want to go with out breasts. So I kept telling myself that the right decision was immediate reconstruction at the time of mastectomy. Between my husband and the doctors not one individual agreed with me. I remember laying in bed the night before meeting with the surgeon and telling myself that I was making the right decision but deep down I didn't truly know that. As I was drifting off to sleep Damola woke me up to say one thing... "The decision is yours babe, you have heard what the doctors have to say and I have told you how I feel but in the end this has to be your decision." I remember silently thinking "Oh your a big help!"

I woke up at 3:00am that morning in almost a panic.. I was sweating, scared and out of breath. I had definitely had a nightmare but I was so scared I couldn't even remember what it was about. I laid there for about 30 minutes thinking about the day ahead and then I realized I have not felt at ease with a decision because I never asked the most important person. At that point I knelt beside my bed and told God to take this burden from me. I knew that he could bring a peace over me that no one else could but I was so caught up in research, vanity, and control I never stopped to ask him. After I was done praying I laid in bed and it was like someone had taken earplugs and a blindfold off of me. I suddenly saw all of the signs over the past few days that led me to the right decision.

I knew I had an amazing husband but deep down I didn't want to go without reconstruction because I wanted to be pleasing to his eye. He had told me on numerous occasions that he wanted me to wait to have reconstruction. He wanted me to worry about treatment not what I looked like. My radiation oncologist had told me that radiation would not be as effective if I had reconstruction. My plastic surgeon had told me that it could effect the breast implants if I was going to have radiation. I had all of this in front of me the whole time but I couldn't see it. I realized that at that point the wisdom in one of my favorite verses came from God and the Bible not from encyclopedias and doctors. All of the wisdom they had came from our Heavenly Father as well. After about an hour of self realization I had an amazing peace over me and slept peacefully through the rest of the night.

At the end of the day I chose to have a bilateral mastectomy with delayed reconstruction. Not only as cancer patients but as humans alone we face so many monumental decisions and whatever we decide can have intense consequences so I have learned to invite God into each decision weather it seems small or large he knows the best path. Sometimes I may not like or agree with his answer but there is one thing I know. He has a divine plan for me if I follow him, and the best way to do that is to discern his voice and obey!!

3 comments:

  1. AMAZING POST. You are truly inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have my continued thoughts and prayers!!

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  2. Kamilah,
    This is a powerful post. Wow. I'm in tears here. Huge hugs and prayers.

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  3. Wow, Kam... You are truly an inspiration. I look forward to reading your posts, and have kept you in my prayers.
    (*Would love to see you)

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